Why am I here?

My name is Erin.

Ten years ago, I was a girl who sometimes walked a stage in a swimsuit.  I may not have been Miss America but I got to wear a crown.

My name is Erin.

Ten years ago I felt sexy most of the time.  I commanded attention.  I could walk into a store and find something that fit and made me look good.

My name is Erin.

Ten years ago I was fairly thin.  I didn't have Cindy Crawford's body but it wasn't bad.

My name is Erin.
 
Ten years ago I was starving and I have to resort to some fairly desperate measures to stay at a "normal" weight.

My name is still Erin.

Now, I work with girls who may someday be Miss America and my heart aches because I am twice their size.  I would rather die than be in a swimsuit in front of anyone, except for people I really trust and, in my heart, I imagine it is disgusting for them to see.

My name is still Erin.

I still command attention, such as when I was walking down the street in Las Vegas and someone rolled down their window to yell "HEY SHAMU" over and over again until I wanted to go back to the hotel and hide.  I struggle to find professional, well made, affordable clothes that fit and I don't feel good in them.  EVER. 

My name is still Erin.

And I am FAT.  Not just overweight, but morbidly obese.  "Morbid" is an interesting word.  The medical profession means that I am so overweight my life is in danger.  But the word morbid also means "gruesome, grisly, tainted, corrupted" and I feel all of those things. 

My name is still Erin

I am still starving, all the time.  Only now, I eat.  I cannot seem to find it in myself to ignore that gnawing feeling inside. 

My name is Erin and, thin or fat, I have always been a fighter.  So I found a way.  I found hope.  I found a solution.

That solution is gastric banding.  And, on January 21st, 2010, with the help of the NYU Center for Bariatric Surgery and a very nice "ok" from Bluecross Blueshield, I am getting my damned life back. 

Herein lies the story of Rediscovering Me.